Timeless advice for troubled times ● Part 4 | "Going the Distance"

Looking for a relationship that will last? Try this trick for relationships that can withstand just about any of life’s trials.

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Today we are in part four of our series, you'll be glad you did Timeless Advice for Troubled Times. We've all lived long enough to have made some decisions we're so glad we made to develop some habits we're so glad that we did. We've also lived long enough to face the consequences of some decisions we've made or some habits that we didn't break soon enough and we wish we had. So basically, we're all old enough to... We're either glad we did, or we wish we had. We're glad we didn't or we wish we hadn't. So we've all got stories. Every one of us could stand up and tell a story around these two contrasting pairs of statements. Eventually, we all realize, 'cause we're adults, we're old enough to realize that life is connected, that one thing leads to another, that today impacts tomorrow, that yesterday impacted today: My relational decisions today, my professional decisions today, my financial decisions today, my academic decisions today will impact... Will eventually impact me in all of those areas later. And this is, of course, the number one lesson or one of the number one lessons parents want to impart to their kids or the grandparents want to impart to their grandkids: That life is connected.

So in this series, Get Made ____ the series. In this series, I'm offering some unoriginal... I didn't make any of this up. Unoriginal, in some cases, learned it the hard way, you'll be glad you did advice. This is just an advice series. These are not imperatives or rules, but if you take this advice, it will keep you from breaking the rules that have the potential to break you or break your heart or break the heart of the people that you love the most. This advice, just like the advice you give, sits between the rules. This isn't right versus wrong, this isn't moral versus immoral, this isn't legal versus illegal, it sits in the realm, as we've talked about throughout the series, of wisdom. And wisdom, just a working definition is insights informed by the knowledge that life is connected. Again, that one thing leads to another, that today impact tomorrow.

So far, our advice... We've only covered two pieces of advice so far. Number one, we talked about was listen, we all need to learn to listen. Last week, we talked about forgive. And today I wanna talk specifically to couples: Engaged couples, married couples, moving into a different season of life couples. You just had your first child, or you just... You're empty nesters, or you're in a relationship that you hope is gonna become a couple permanent kind of relationship, or maybe you're just hoping one day to be part of a couple. This is relationship advice for people who are thinking about pursuing or in the process of pursuing a romantic, let's get to the finish line, love to finish life with you kind of relationship.

This one idea will prepare you to go the distance, it will, in some cases, it could ensure that you actually finish together. And today's advice is anchored in a concept... I didn't originate the concept, but these are just my words, because I like it to be simple and portable and memorable. It's anchored to the principle of what I call mutual submission.

My opinion, I think this is the most powerful relational dynamic in the world, in existence, especially as it relates to couples, to married couples, people who wanna go the distance together. Mutual submission creates an escalating sense of trust and cooperation, it diminishes suspicion, it creates... It automatically creates more transparency, less pride, more humility, faster apologies, less resistance, less blame. And the reason is, is because it's mutual.

Now, unfortunately... And actually not just unfortunately, tragically. Tragically, the New Testament passage of Scripture that introduces the idea of mutual submission maybe to the world, not just in the Bible, but maybe to the world, has been misunderstood and misused and twisted by religious people for generations, church leader specifically. In fact, what... The passage that introduces us to this was, has actually been used to communicate the opposite of what the author intended. In fact... And embedded in this passage, we're gonna look at it in just a minute. Embedded in this passage that introduces the concept of mutual submission, is the verse that we began with within the context of this talk about mutual submission, we find the verse, "Wives submit to your own husbands as you do to the Lord." Which has been so misapplied by Christian men and so criticized by non-Christians, and honestly... And I understand this, used basically to write off Christianity as a misogynistic ideology that empowers men and disempowers women.

But Christianity, first century Christianity, is the very opposite of that because Jesus was the very opposite of that. And I'd talk about this all the time, I don't think we can ever say it enough. Jesus introduced the dignity of men... Of women, and the equality of men and women, because Jesus is the one that said, "Your Heavenly Father is her Heavenly Father." And then Peter, who spent time with Jesus would come along and say, "Men, she's not just your wife, she's not your property, she is your sister. And she has a father, and he cares about his daughter. And you better treat her right."

I'm telling you, this was earth-shattering, this was new, this was so not common sense. Now, it's self- evident to us that men and women are equal. In the first century, it was not self-evident to anybody. And if you know history, you think, "What were they thinking?" They were thinking what everybody was thinking until Jesus came along. He just doesn't get enough credit for the seeds he sowed when it comes to the equality of men and women dignity because Jesus says there's one God and you were to approach him like father, and your wife is his daughter, and your husband is his son. And that changes the playing field, that changes the rules. And suddenly what was one over the other becomes mutual. And then his first... Jesus' first century followers, they did more to empower women... They had empowered women in their ministries and the church planning in just unprecedented ways.

Now, the statement that actually introduces this verse that we're all so familiar with is actually I think maybe one of the most empowering statements in all of ancient literature. And again, it's the setup for what we just read. Paul's statement preceding this actually provides, as I mentioned earlier, the over... Often overlooked context for the verse that's so disturbing to women when taken out of context as it should be in a statement, unfortunately, that's used by men. Years ago... This only happened twice. And I don't do premarital counseling, I was terrible at it anyway. But I used to do a lot of premarital counseling, and every once in a while I'd get some guy and he's like... He would bring this up, like, "But the Bible says women are to submit." And I'd be like, "Do you know where that is?" "No, it's in the Bible." I'll say, "It's Ephesians 5, let me show it to you. And what's the first word?" "Wives." "So who's that written to?" "Wives." "Yeah, that's none of your business."

[laughter]

"He's not even talking to you, he's talking to wives. Let's look at what he says to the husbands, buckle up buddy." Right? Okay. Anyway, so the statement... Listen, the statement that introduced this, this unthinkable culturally, so culturally disruptive, way ahead of its time, dignifying concept of mutual submission that put men and women on equal plane... It was again, self-evident to us, not self-evident to people in ancient times. So here's the verse that sets up the problematic verse and puts it in context. You're ready? Here's what Paul wrote, here's the thesis of the passage. "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." This is mutual submission. This is one another. In fact, throughout Paul's letters, he's constantly one another, one another, one another, one another, because he's teasing out and he's helping Gentiles understand the teaching of Jesus.

And basically he says, "Let me... As we change subjects here in this letter to those of you living in Ephesus, let's start with this, you ought to put each other first regardless of each other." This is as insensitive as the other verse in the sense of, wait a minute, we're to submit to one another? You don't even know all the one another's. You've never even been here. You don't even know the people you're talking to. And you can just make this blanket statement we're to submit to one another? Paul's like, "Yep". And he says, "Women, wives, let me tell you what that looks like for you." And the verse that follows is simply his application for wives, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives... " This is just to the wives, husbands we'll get to you in a minute. You're to submit yourself to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. Basically, it's just an application of this verse.

Now, this is the advanced stuff right here, okay? The statement... See how the word submit shows up in both of these statements. In the oldest Greek manuscripts, the verb submit does not show up in this verse. The oldest Greek manuscripts read like this, "Wives, to your own husbands as you do to the Lord, or as unto the Lord, literally. Wives to your own husbands as unto the Lord." There's no verb. Every sentence needs a verb.

Well, this was common in Attic Greek and in Koine Greek. Oftentimes they'd leave out a verb. And when there wasn't a verb, everybody knew you went to the preceding statement to find the verb and then you add it. So in our English Bibles that read like this, this is incorrect English translation, but in the oldest Greek text, there's no verb. Paul's making the point. This is the main idea. This is simply an application for a specific group of people of the main idea. Notice what this doesn't say. This does not say, "Women submit to men." It doesn't say that. It doesn't even say, "Wives submit to other husbands." It's, "Wives you submit to your own husband." And then of course, he's gonna apply this to the husbands. Now, he could have written, "And husbands, you submit yourself unto your wife as unto the Lord." But he doesn't. He ratchets it up just a little bit. He pushes us guys to a little bit different level, even though he's communicating the same thing, because basically this is how husbands are to apply the submit to one another.

So he writes, "Husbands, you love your wives, but you don't get to choose what that looks like, sounds like, and what it reacts like. You are to love your wives, but I'm gonna tell you how you love your wives." This is why this was a safe statement to make in general, because love had already been defined by the life and teaching of Jesus. He says, "Husbands, you love your wives just as... This isn't the golden rule, does unto others as others do unto you. He says, "No, we're no more doing that. That's so... That's so BC, that's so in the past. This is new covenant, okay?" Just as Christ loved the church, his Ecclesia, his Ecclesia that he birth, the Jesus movement, the gathering, the congregation of Jesus. And how did Jesus love his church? How did Jesus love this movement that he birthed? He protected it, He guarded it, and then he gave his life for it. He laid down his life for it. That Jesus put the church first.

So here is some original with Jesus relationship advice. I'm just gonna summarize it. One word. I'm not gonna use the S word, we're gonna use the D word because it's not quite as offensive in the English language. And our advice today is simply this. It's defer, to defer or tease it out.But to defer to one another, you just put him first, ladies. You just put her first, gentlemen. You just put your spouse, you put your person, your special person. You just put them first in everything that you make, as I like to call it. 'cause as Sandra said, I like to make things rhyme. Remember she said that? That was so interesting. Anyway, I like to make things rhyme. And it's true 'cause it helps me remember we are to make our marriages a submission competition. That's it.

This is what Paul says, he says, Oh yeah, you're Christian, then you should make your marriages submission competition. Literally, here it is. Ready. Literally, you are to treat him or treat her as if she is more important than you. Question. Have you ever met anybody who's more important than you? When you're... Suddenly you walk into... Around the corner, you're around somebody who's just more famous or just more important to you, you automatically defer. It's like you treat them with honor, you treat them with a little bit more respect. this has nothing to do with who's more acceptable in the eyes of God. This is just a human... When you're around the king, when you're around somebody... You just defer. And what Paul is suggesting is that in our marriages and in our special relationships, we should just defer to one another. Now, before you push back, you know how to do this. And I know you know how to do this because if you're... Especially if you're married, you've done this before, I want you to... Think back, wasn't that your posture when you were in pursuit, like when saw her, or you saw him and it's like, Okay, I'm gonna get her, I'm gonna win him.

I want this to work out. Do you remember what you did? Of course you do. You treated them like they were the most important person in the world because they were the most important person in that season of life. They were the most important person in your world. That's how you won them. So we know how to do this. So here's some advice. Do this. I mean, why not? Turn it around. It's how you wanna be treated, right?

You wanna be treated like you're the most important person in his or her life. You wanna be treated as if you're the most important person in the world, in their world. And you don't wanna be a hypocrite. So just essentially you do for them, if nothing else, what you would want done for you, you defer. Now real quick, if you're not a religious person or you're not a Christian, or you have a different faith, or you just think this is all crazy. Or maybe used to be a person of faith and for whatever reason, you just bailed out. And I'm sure if we heard your story, we would be like, Oh my goodness, I would've bailed out too. So if you're not a person of faith, I'm gonna hit, I want you to just, maybe... I'm just gonna let you sit down for a moment or hit pause for a moment.

Because what I'm gonna say next is just for Christians. I want you to listen, don't leave, because I'm gonna come back to you in just a minute. But this next part is specifically for Christians. Now, if you're not a Christian, if you try this, this will make your relationship better. I promise. I mean, mutual submission, is just, there's an escalating sense of trust. I mean, just try it, okay? But if you're a Christian, a Jesus follower, there's an extra incentive. I want you to notice what Paul doesn't say, because this is kind of where our minds go. He does not say submit to one another out of reverence for one another. That's the golden rule. I mean that's not bad advice. Submit to one another out of reverence for one another. But that's conditional. That's, I'll put you first as long as I think you're worthy of being put first.

That's what that means. Meanwhile, I'm sure I'm worthy of being put first. So I'm gonna decide whether or not I should submit to you and put you first, based on your behavior. But I'm sure that you should put me first based on my character and based on my behavior, what Paul is doing in this passage, he's actually applying the law of Christ. We talk about this all the time. That Jesus in his final communion said, I'm establishing a new rule. I'm giving you a new rule to supersede all the other rules. This is, Paul would come along later and say, This is the law of Christ. The law of Christ is that we are to love one another the way that God through Christ loved us. I don't just do unto others as I want others to do unto me, that again...

That's pre Jesus. Jesus says, No, we're taking it to the next level. I want you to love other people the way that I have loved you. So what Paul actually writes is, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. And then he applies that to women as unto the Lord. He applies it to husbands as Jesus did unto the church. That we are to take our relational cues from Jesus, not one another, that we are to do unto others, especially in the home, as God through Christ has done for us. That's our marching orders. That's what it means to be a Jesus follower. In his letter to Christians living in Philippi, he teases as he applies this rule in a, I guess in a more broad way and listen to these words. This is so compelling. I mean, goodness, if Christians have been doing what he writes next, for generations and for decades, goodness, the world would be such a different place.

Here's what he writes, he says, and again, these, it's a general audience. He hasn't even met all these people. In your relationships... There it is again, with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus. In other words, let the behavior and the teaching of Jesus govern or dictate how you treat one another. You're to have the same mindset. And he doesn't qualify this, he says, in all of your relationships. And if you wanna know what the mindset of Jesus was relationally, do you know what you do to find out what that is? You just follow Jesus through the gospels. And he just forgives the unforgivable and he embraces the un-embraceable and he calls out hypocrisy, but he has a smile on his face and he loves people and his heart goes out to people and he weeps for people, that he knows he's just gonna raise from the dead.

I mean his... If you wanna take your relational cues from Jesus, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, there it is. And what the apostle Paul does in his letters is he helps contextualize that teaching for his gentile audience to say, we are to one another... This is why his letters are full of one another. We are to one another, one another, not the way we deserve to be one anothered and not the way they deserve to be one anothered. We are to one another, one another that reflects the way that God through Christ has one anothered each of us. And if you do, your relationships will be better. The world would be a better place. We're Jesus followers. We're not one another followers. And then listen to what he says next. This is so powerful. Who being the very nature God did not consider equality with God.

Something to be used to his own advantage. Talking about Jesus. To who being very nature God did not consider equality with God, something to be used to his own advantage. In other words, Jesus is God in a body and he never plays the God card for his own benefit. He never leverages his power for his own benefit. He never gets to the restaurant and sees that the corner table has got a family there and says, We'll take the corner table, I'm Jesus. Jesus, okay, nevermind, I'll move 'em... No, no, no, no, Jesus, [0:27:40.6] ____. Okay? In other words, he never lev... In fact, Mark who got his information from Peter, Peter tells Mark, Hey, on the way to Jerusalem, after he lectured us on, having this whole thing wrong about his kingdom and who's first and who's last, Jesus makes this statement for even the son of man, for even God in a body, for even the son of man did not come to be served, but to use all that power to serve and to give us life, a ransom for many.

And Paul says, that's who we take our relational cues from. That's who both people in the relationship take their relational cues from. Rather... Paul goes on to say, rather, this is so powerful. Rather, he made himself really a nobody. Wait, wait, was Jesus a nobody? No, Jesus wasn't a nobody. He was like the somebody of all somebodies and the somebody of all somebodies became a nobody. So that he could do something for the nobodies like you and the nobodies like me, that he got under the weight of our sin, under the weight of our life, under the weight of our burden. And he chose to carry... That's why Paul says, Hey, carry one another's burdens... This is amazing. Carry one another's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ because that's what your Savior did for you.

So basically Christian marriage and if you're not a Christian, again, you should try this at home. You don't have to be a Christian to apply the principle. But a Christian marriage is two people submitted to God, deferring to one another, two people submitted to God, deferring to one another. I'm not gonna treat her the way she deserves to be treated. I'm gonna treat her the way you treated me. I'm not gonna treat him the way he always deserves to be treated. I'm gonna treat him the way that you treated me when I wasn't worth you treating me the way you treated me. Now, if you're single, there's implications for you. Okay? And I know this is hard, okay? See, if you're single and you're a person of faith, I hope that you would date somebody of your same faith. It's just gonna make your life easier down the road, especially when it comes to raising kids.

If you're Christian, I would hope that you would be pursuing or looking for a man or woman who is a Christian. But it's not enough to be a Christian in the sense of, oh, they pray the prayer and ask Jesus in their heart. You need to pursue or find a Jesus follower. I mean, she may or he may be a Christian, but if he treats you like something you find stuck under the seat in the movie theater, I don't know. And she may be a Christian, but if it's always gotta be about her, it's about her. It's about her, it's about her. It's like, no, you should look for not just a Christian, a Jesus follower or somebody who understands, we are gonna defer to each other under the headship of Jesus.

That Jesus is our king and we're gonna treat each other the way that God through Christ treated us. And when we mess up, we're gonna apologize quickly. Because ultimately we are accountable not to just each other, we are accountable to our heavenly Father. She's your sister, he's your brother. And you both share the same Heavenly Father. So defer, that's our advice. Defer, defer specifically to one another. You put others first. You never stop pursuing. You never stop honoring, you never stop with the awe. You never stop with the, hey, he or she's more important than me.Humility... Come on relationally. Humility always wins the day. Pride is always poison, right? Selfishness is always kryptonite. So in these kind of relationships, in a submission competition, you look for an opportunity to be wrong. You look for an opportunity to go to the back of the line.

You... This is important. You loan one another your strengths rather than reminding each other of their weaknesses. And I wanna give you a place to start with this. And because some of you've been married a long time and you've, gotten a little old, gotten a little stale, gotten a little isolated, some of you, you're in a dating relationship. And if you're the stronger personality, it's easy for you to miss this, regardless of male or female. If you're the weaker personality, it's easy to feel a little bit put on. So put upon sometimes, this is why it has to be mutual. And here's the question that raises the bar. And here's the question that sets the table. And here's the question that gets everybody on the same playing field. And before I give you the question, I just... A little precursor, your initial response to this question may say something about how much work you have to do in this particular area.

So here's the question that mutual submission always asks. So if you're not a Christian, come back in. 'cause this part you can definitely apply as well. Here's the question that mutual submission asks, What can I do to help? What can I do to help? How can I carry your burden today? How can I shoulder your burden today? How can I make your life easier? How can I prioritize your thing over my thing? How can I put you first? How can I get in the back of the line if that'll help you get to the front of the line quicker? How can I loan you my strengths? How can I loan you my resources? How can I make it easier for you? What can I do to help? This is such a powerful question in any environment, work environment, but especially at home.

This is the question that keeps you leaning in, bending in. This is the question that keeps the dominant personality from dominating the relationship. This is the question that keeps the striver and the driver from leaving the other person in the dust unintentionally. Because this question slows you down. And when it slows you down, it's a reminder of your extraordinary opportunity. You'll say no to you. So you can say yes to them. And when you say no to you to say yes to them, and they say no to themselves, to say yes to you, something powerful, powerful, powerful happens.

And regardless of temperament, regardless of personality, there's something powerful and engaging that happens in a relationship. It's your opportunity, every time, it's your opportunity to do something powerful for the relationship. So Christians submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Non-Christians at least start with, submit to one another. Christians take your relational cues from your savior, who, and this is why he adds this. You take your relational cues from your savior. Do you know what he did? Who submitted to you, who placed himself under you? Who bore your... This is Peter's words. And he was there, saw the whole thing, the whole thing. Who bore your sins in his body, who deferred to me and deferred to you.

And he put me first and he put you first. And he says, Now I just want you to do for others what I did for you. And I want it to be magnified in that one-on-one relationship in your home or your future home. It's just another reminder that following Jesus really will make your life better, make you better at life. It'll make you better, husband, wife, fiance, friend, boyfriend or girlfriend. And in the end, you'll have a stronger, better relationship. But best of all, you'll have a more mutually satisfying relationship because it's mutual submission. So defer to one another. You will be glad that you did and some other people will be glad that you did as well. And for many of you, there are some little people watching, taking their cues from you about their future relationships as well.

You'll be glad you did and we will pick it up right there next time in part five of You'll Be Glad You Did more timeless advice for trouble times.