Timeless advice for troubled times ● Part 3 | "Forgive"

Even though it’s never easy, releasing someone from the debt they owe you it is the only way to freedom. Special guest April Farmer shares how her journey with forgiveness led to a richer life.

NOTE: The following content is a raw transcript and has not been edited for grammar, punctuation, or word usage.

So today, we are in part three of our series. You'll be glad you did. Timeless advice for troubled times. So instead of taking a topic for several weeks, we are actually giving advice for several weeks. And we've all lived long enough, we've all lived long enough really to reap the benefits of some good decisions, reap the benefits of some good habits, we've all lived long enough to face the consequences of some bad decisions, the consequences of some bad habits. Looking back on our lives, we're either glad we did or we wish we had. We are either glad that we did it, or we wish we hadn't. So this is a series that's just about advice, timeless advice, unoriginal advice. This is a glad you did advice. These are not necessarily rules to keep, although if you'll take this advice, this advice will keep you from breaking not only rules, but keep you from breaking the rules that have the potential to break you, to break your marriage, to break your relationship.

So as we're gonna see at the end of this series, this is advice that'll keep you from going broke. So today, I have invited a dear friend and a somebody, actually a fellow staff member to share some you'll be glad you did advice. April Farmer serves as the Director of Care and baptism at Buckhead Church. Her husband David just joined our staff at Decatur City Church. She's no stranger to you, because if you have not heard her speak you have certainly heard her sing. So would you please welcome April Farmer for part three of you'll be glad you did.

Thank you so much, Man.

Because you'll be glad... They'll be glad they came.

Will they be glad?

But we'll see. Well, thank you. I appreciate that so much. I am super-duper excited to be here with you, and I'm especially excited about this topic that we're gonna be talking about today. And you might be surprised once you figure out what that is, but I am excited about it. But before we get into the topic for today, I just had to do one thing. We have a new member of our family that I wanted to introduce to you, and her name is Ava Marie. This is my granddaughter. I know. Isn't she scrumptious? Aah, she's just absolutely delicious. I love her so much, and I'm so excited about her arrival into my life.

And being a grandmother is wonderful, I absolutely love it. And what's wonderful about it is that I look at her and I hold her and I smile at her, and then I just realized, Oh my gosh, I'm about to be so broke. All my money is about to be gone, but it's my privilege to be able to do that. And I know some grandparents out there, especially grandmothers, they have this thing that they do and they say, Well, whatever my grandparent, what my grandchild calls me, then that's absolutely fine. I'll let them figure out what they wanna call me. Not me. I was very clear about what I wanted to be called.

I did not wanna be called Grandma, I just did not wanna be called that. So I picked the name Ama, that's my name. And let me tell you why. Number one, my name is April, and I'm a grandma, so Ama. Makes sense, right? But also, growing up with my boys, any time they wanted to grab my attention or call out to me, they'll be like, Hey Ma, hey, hey, hey, ma. So I figured I was already responding to that anyway, so let's just keep that ball rolling. So that is my grandmother name, and I love it, I love it, love it, but I could not talk about Ava without introducing her mom and her dad. And this is Joseph and Mariah. That's my son and my daughter-in-law, and they are just so as delicious as their child is, and I love them so much. And this picture is one of my favorites because it really depicts everything about who they are, they're happy, they're full of love for each other, they're always on each other all the time. And I'm like, Jeez, give it a rest. But they love each other,

And I love the friendship that we have. Raising adult children is awesome. And I love... Not raising adult children, having adult children is awesome, and we get to have this friendship that is very, very different. But any of you who've been engaged in raising children, whether you're a grandparent, or a aunt, or a uncle, you understand that raising children is not easy, being a part of their lives is not easy. And very early on, one of the hardest things that I had to learn how to do was to forgive. And yes, today's timeless advice for troubled times is forgive, and you'll be glad that you did.

Now, hold on, I know, I know, I know. Some of y'all wanna run out of here now. I feel you. You're starting to sweat, your shoulders are getting a little tense, you don't like that word. Let's not talk about that. I don't wanna talk about that, but I want you to not check out on me. There's a reason why we're talking about this, and I know when it comes to forgiveness, many of us have a love-hate relationship with it. For some of us, it seems to be easy to do, but for some of us, it's extremely challenging. But again, you can take this advice or you can leave it, but if you would lean in and apply this wisdom today, I really do believe that you'll be glad that you did. Now, historians note that nearly all ancient texts with a moral basis to it included and valued forgiveness. Forgiveness is threaded throughout history and in virtually every religion and every philosophy.

In fact, the oldest historical document or record of forgiveness is found in the Torah, which is the first five books of the Old Testament. Most notably, it's the story of Joseph, which we find in Genesis, and this is an amazing story. Joseph was one of 12 brothers, but at one point he was the 11th brother, and all of his brothers were so jealous of him and the relationship he had with his father that they sold him into slavery in Egypt. And so he is known as dead, but he finds himself in Egypt. And while he is enslaved there, God by His providence raises him up to prominence in that country, and he becomes the second highest in command. And years later, when there's a famine throughout the nations around, these people, his very brothers who sold him into slavery, now have to come before him, and unbeknownst to them, it's their brother that they're having to ask for provision for their families. And Joseph had every opportunity to throw them in jail immediately, he had every right to demand that they pay for the wrong that they had done to him. But miraculously, Joseph doesn't do that, and we see a display of unconditional forgiveness.

And so we see this since the beginning of time, and it's only in recent years that people are beginning to question the validity of forgiveness or its value when it comes to life in general. A lot of modern day thinkers and philosophers and influencers are starting to spread messages that say, forget that forgiveness stuff and embrace hate, that that is the way to healing for yourself. But by and large, most continue to find value in forgiveness. And why is that? It's because we're all human, we all make mistakes whether intentionally or unintentionally, we mess up, we hurt other people, our words and our actions create what we call offenses. And then those offenses create debt. And forgiveness doesn't come naturally to any of us. We aren't naturally, or innately forgiving people. We have had to be taught how to forgive. Most of us, since our childhood.

But regardless of the fact that we've engaged in this cadence most of our lives, it's always a challenge, it's never easy, especially as the offense is getting more and more complex and the debts get greater and greater and greater. And it turns from sibling scuffles to family betrayals. It changes from being late to our first date to you actually being unfaithful in our marriage, And whether small or large, a debt is a debt. And when debts go unsettled, whether they're emotional, financial or spiritual, there are two options to settling a debt. And option, one is to demand payment.

Yes, you have the right to demand payment. Say, for example, you have a financial debt, a financial situation happens, you just graduated from college, you get your very first car and you're riding along and you got this new job and everything is going wonderful. But about six months or a year down the road, you lose that job and you're unable to find a new one. But the car payment is still due. And you get behind, but you don't know what to do. And all of a sudden you start finding these people calling you and it says unknown caller, and you're looking like, Well, who's this? And you take a chance and you pick up the phone and you answer and you say Hello, and you hear, This is a call from a debt collector. And what do you do? You hang up the phone. That is exactly what you do. And you find yourself dodging. But they keep calling. You're dodging the phone calls, you're blocking all of these unknown numbers. Sometimes you might find yourself hiding your car at your friend's house or putting it in the garage and not drive anymore. You're taking Lyft every day just 'cause you don't want them to come and get your car.

But finally, the repo man has caught up to you and they come and they get your car and you see it going away, and you feel like, okay, fine, they got the car. Alright, well, I'm done with that, but no, then you get a letter in the mail and it tells you how much you owe, there's still a balance, you still owe, and these debt collectors are relentless in their pursuit to make you pay what you owe. And the same is true when it comes to our relationships, the same is true when someone creates a debt with you or with me. There's a breach of promise, or there's unmet expectations. There's a betrayal of trust.

And you think you can get past that. That's okay, but then it gets a little bigger and a little deeper and you deal with abandonment or all types of abuse. And what about the unjust death of a loved one or a friend, and you realize, Wait a minute, this isn't fair. You owe me, someone has to pay for this. And you become the debt collector, you become relentless in your pursuit to make them pay what they owe. And I know this feeling all too well. The son I introduced earlier, I had him when I was 19 years old. And I remember when I found out that I was expecting, I went to his dad and I said to him, Hey, I'm pregnant. And the first thing he said to me, Well, I'm sorry, but I don't want a child. So you're on your own. And I couldn't believe it. I thought, Well, you know what, we're young. He'll get over it. Time will pass, and he'll come around. But he never did. And as years started to pass, my son would look up to me, and he'd be like, mom, where's my dad? How come my dad's not around?

And this anger just kept boiling up on the inside of me, I was so mad at him. How could you leave your only, one of your children, how could you leave a child that belongs to you? And I had to wrestle with that thing and I had decided to follow Jesus. So I'm trying to do the right thing, and I'm trying to be nice, and I'm trying to be kind. But on the inside, I was mad. This was not fair. This was not right. And then my son, he was nine years old, and I remember one day we were on our way home, and he's sitting in the back seat of my green Honda Accord, his name was Eddie, and he's sitting in the back seat. And all of a sudden, out of no where he says, Mom, do you have my dad's number? And I was like, I don't wanna lie. Yes, I have his number. Why? Can I call him? I don't know about that, son. I don't know how he's gonna respond. I don't know, I don't want him to hurt you, he may hang up the phone. I just don't know. And my son's like, Mom, I'm nine years old now. I can handle it. Come on, let me try.

And his bravery, I was like, Alright. I hesitantly dial the number, and I gave him the phone. And I'm watching in my rear view mirror, and I look back and he's talking and he says, Hello, may I speak to so and so? And he said, This is him. He said, This is Joseph Baron, I'm your son. And they kept talking. And I look back at my son, and he's looking at me like, He didn't hang up. He didn't hang up.

[laughter]

And I'm like, Okay, baby. Keep talking, keep talking. And I'm just trying to hold it together. And they have their conversation and he gives me the phone and he says to me, he says, Hey, I'm glad you let him call me, I've been thinking about him. And I was like, whatever.

[laughter]

And he's like, I've been taking about him, and so I would love to meet him. And so reluctantly, I'm like, Oh, okay. April, let me do the right thing. So I agreed to meet and we meet. We walk into this restaurant and my son is giddy, you would think it was Christmas, and he sees this man and we sit down to talk, and his father asked him, he was like, So what do you wanna know? And he was like, Where have you been? And he was like, Well, it's a long story. Maybe when you get older, I'll talk to you more about it. And he was like, Okay. And I was like, Really? That's it. Are you kidding me? I was boiling, but I sat there in that conversation anyway. And so once it was done, he told him, he said, Hey, you can call me anytime you want. So as the week went on, my son would call him about every other day.

And one day he gave me the phone and his dad said to me, he was like, Hey, I know I've been... I started paying child support through the state and everything, but I really don't like them in my pocket like that. So I wanna make an agreement with you, if you will let me pay you $5000 cash and withdraw me from the state, I'll pay you that money, and I'll pay you your child support directly. And I was like, Absolutely not. And he's like, Well, give it a thought. And then just think about it, and we'll talk about it later. I was like, Okay, that's fine. And so another week went by or so, and then my son gives me the phone again after a conversation, and he asked me again and I was like, No, I think it's best to stay the way it is. And he said, Okay, and he hung up the phone. The next time my son called, he didn't answer. And then I immediately get a text message, and it says, Tell that boy not to call me anymore. And I text back, and I was like, Are you serious? And he said, Lose my number. That was the last time I have ever talked to that man. And my son is now 26 years old.

And I saw that text, and I'm seeing my nine-year-old stand in front of me, and I'm like, Really? What am I supposed to do? And my son's asking me, what did he say? And I have this choice, Do I lie to him? Do I hide this from him, or do I build this relationship of trust and honesty with my son? And I let him see it, knowing that his nine- year-old brain can't comprehend what was really going on. But my son saw that I said he couldn't see his dad anymore, that I was the reason why his dad wasn't gonna talk to him anymore, and he was angry at me. And I'm like, Are you kidding me? I was furious. I was so angry at his dad, How dare you do that to me? How dare you do that to my son? He does not deserve that.

I do not deserve that. And I became the judge, I was the jury, and I said, You owe me. Somebody's gotta pay for the anger that is in me right now, and I had every right to demand payment. But there is a second option when you're offended, and there's debt that's been accumulated, and option two is to forgive the debt. And to forgive is to actually decide to release or cancel the debt one is owed, and the process of bringing one's emotions and behaviors in alignment with that decision. But it starts with decide, make a choice. Choose to forgive.

And what this means is that it is optional. We all have free will. We don't have to do this, but for those of us who are Jesus' followers, we are strongly encouraged to do just that, and for good reason. One of Jesus' disciples named Matthew, who himself was a debt collector, he records, in his letter, this sermon that Jesus very frequently, actually it was his most frequent sermon throughout his whole ministry. And we find this sermon in Matthew 5 through 7, but around about Chapter 6: 9-13, Jesus is teaching his followers how to pray. And he says this, he says, "This then is how you should pray. Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread, and forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one."

And Jesus goes on to place special emphasis on one particular part of this prayer. And in verse 14 and 15, he says this, "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." I heard one preacher say, "If you can't say 'Amen', say, 'Ouch'." That hurts. That is hard to do. But Jesus, and he's so amazing, he loves us enough to make sure that we know that our option to forgive has a clear impact, not only on our lives, but on other people, on other people. It's connected. And Matthew records another time when Jesus is teaching about forgiveness and reconciliation. And in Chapter 18:21, it says this, it says, "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, oh, okay, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?' But Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but 77 times.'"

And then Jesus goes on and he tells this parable about a master who had a servant that owed him a gigantous amount of money, and there was no way he could ever pay that debt, but it was owed to this master. And this servant, he begged and he pleaded for forgiveness and said, "Please, don't put me in jail." And this master had mercy on this servant and he forgave the entire debt. And then this very servant, he goes away and finds someone who owed him a mere fraction of what he owed his master. And he demands payment from that servant and that servant did the same thing. He begged and he pleaded for forgiveness and for time to repay it. But he said, "Absolutely not." Throwed him in jail. And when the town's people heard about what had happened, they went straight to the master and told him. And then the story goes on in verse 32, and it says, "Then the master called the servant in. He said, 'You wicked servant, I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?'

In anger, his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured until he should pay back all he owed." And Jesus says, "This is how my Heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart." And see, this is where the second part of this forgiveness definition comes in. Once you have decided to forgive, now begins the process of aligning your emotions and your behaviors with the decision that you've made. And to align, it's a verb, it's an action word, it means to place or to arrange to get to support to the decision that you made. And it's not the other way around. Many of us feel like, "Well, I don't feel like it yet. I haven't gotten to the place where I'm ready." But Jesus is teaching us that we decide first, and then we bring our emotions and our behavior in alignment. And let me be clear, I know many of us are dealing with a lot of debts from people, and hurts and pains, so I wanna acknowledge something.

First of all, forgiveness is not easy. I know it's not easy. And forgiveness is also not denial. In fact, acceptance and letting go are key aspects of forgiveness. And hear me, you may never get an apology from that person or have that person understand just how much they wronged you, but if your freedom from anger and bitterness and resentment is wrapped up in somebody else's I'm sorry, you've tied yourself up in chains. You have become a prisoner and made them your captor. Don't give somebody else that kind of power over your life. Jesus said that I came that you might have life and have it to the full, and when it comes to situations like this, that comes through forgiveness.

So yes, forgiveness is not easy, and forgiveness is not denial that it's happened, but also forgiveness is not something you do one time. It is a process. Dr. Martin Luther King has a quote, and it says this, it says, "Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude." And you know what, we see lavish acts of forgiveness all throughout Scripture, and one of my favorite ones is in Psalm 32. And this is King David, and he says this, he says, "Count yourself lucky. How happy you must be. You'll get a fresh start. Your slate wiped clean. Consider yourself lucky. God holds nothing against you, and you're holding nothing back from him." He says, "When I kept it all inside, my bones turned to powder and my words became day long groans, the pressure never let up, all the juices of my life dried up. But then I let it all out, I said I'll come clean about my failures to God, and suddenly the pressure was gone. My guilt dissolved and my sin disappeared." And if this is the freedom that we obtain when our debts are forgiven by our Heavenly father, how much more... Why would he not give us the very same when we release the debt of others?

But what if they don't say they're sorry, what if they don't ask me for the forgiveness? Do I really, really have to forgive them? And the answer is no, you don't, but you'll be glad if you do. Why? Because life is connected, every decision you make now will impact you now and the rest of your life, and not just you, but those connected to you. My decision to forgive my son's father was not just for me, it was for him, because as a Jesus' follower and as a parent, I knew that everything I do in my life is an example. It's me walking out what I want my children to do, and I realize that if I carry hate and bitterness and anger against his dad, how would he think maybe I felt about him? Or better yet, how would he learn to not carry that same anger and that bitterness and that resentment in him?

So if you're hearing this message and you're sitting in this room, and you're like, "Okay, April, I get it. I'm gonna make the decision to forgive. Okay, but what should I do? How do I start? Where do I begin?" And the first thing you can do is pray for them. Yes, pray for them. The Bible says, repeatedly, to pray for your enemies. It doesn't just say pray for them, but then it also says, to bless them. Yes, literally bless them. In Romans 12:14, it says, "Bless those who persecute you. Bless them and do not curse them." And the word bless literally means to speak well of them.

So yes, it says, "Pray for them," and it says to bless them, and it also says to do good for them. It says in this Scripture, it says, "Do not repay any one evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written, it is mine to avenge. I will repay, says the Lord." Actually, on the contrary, if your enemy is hungry, get this, he said, "Feed him." If he's thirsty, he says, "Give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." I love that part. And then he finishes up and he says this, "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

So this is the decision that we're faced with today, to forgive, and I know it's not easy. I know it's challenging, and I know these debts are deep and these wounds are deep and broad and wide. But if you will follow Jesus' example and recognize that it's for your benefit to choose to forgive and then bring in alignment your actions, your behaviors and your emotions, that it will set you free. I promise you, I could have gone on social media and blasted this man, I could do it today. I know how to get to him if I want to. We have that capability. But fortunately, I have no desire to do that. I had to let it go years ago, and if it ever rises up, I remember, "Oh yeah. That's not on me. I let that go. God, you've got that." And that's the same choice that you have today. Again, you don't have to, but I really do believe that you'll be glad if you do. Forgiveness, forgiveness, if you would choose to forgive and to let go, I guarantee you, you'll be glad you did.