Timeless advice for troubled times ● Part 2 | "Just Listen"

Nobody likes to be told what to do, but what if the advice we don’t want to hear is exactly what we need to move us toward our greatest success or away from our greatest regret?

NOTE: The following content is a raw transcript and has not been edited for grammar, punctuation, or word usage.

Today we are in part two of our series. You'll be glad you did. Timeless advice for trouble times. Now we've all lived long enough. Most of us are adults. We've lived long enough to, have made some decisions and develop some habits, I should say that we're glad we did. And we've also lived long enough to have made some bad decisions and develop some bad habits that we wish we hadn't. All of us have stories. All of us have stories that end with, I'm glad I did. All of us have stories that end with, I wish I had. We all have stories that end with, I'm glad I didn't. And we all have stories that end with I wish I hadn't. So what we're doing in this series, if you missed part one, is I'm just gonna give you, I'm giving, I'm offering, unoriginal. All of this is unoriginal. I may have phrased it in new ways, but none of this is original with me. I'm offering unoriginal. You'll be glad you did Advice. This is just advice. These are not moral imperatives or ethical imperatives.

These are not rules to live by. But this advice, if you take it will keep you from breaking some rules that have the potential to break you and have the potential to break your heart and have the potential to break the heart of the people, the hearts of the people that you care about the most. Now this advice we said this last time is like the advice you give. All of you have given somebody advice along the way, whether they've taken it or not. We love to give advice. And you'll notice the advice that you give, this advice is like the advice you give, it sort of sits between the rules. Okay? This advice sits between the rules. This isn't right versus wrong. Moral versus immoral, ethical versus unethical. It actually resides in the realm of wisdom.This is wisdom advice. And generally that's what advice is. It's not should I break the law or not break the law. It's never that clear. It's wisdom. And wisdom, and our working definition for wisdom is simply, insights informed by the knowledge that life is connected.

Insights that are informed by or fueled by the fact or the observation or knowledge that life is connected and my life is connected. We're talking about that one thing leads to another, that you can make a decision or a series of decisions in one season of life that impacts or shapes or determines what happens in the next season of life. Life is connected. That one thing leads to another. That today's decisions show up in tomorrow's realities. And that's what wisdom is. Wisdom is looking at the dilemma, looking at the problem trying to solve, looking at the options before me and asking what's the best option for me in light to the fact that life is connected and this decision will have an impact that may follow me, perhaps the rest of my life, or at least into the next season of my life. My past is in some way gonna show up in the future.

Now of course, this is the lesson that every parent tries to impart to their children, but for some reason, as adults, we don't think sometimes it applies to us or we just lose sight of the fact of how much it applies to us. So that's the introduction today I wanna jump in. So today's, you'll be glad you did. Timeless unoriginal advice is just one word, and the word is listen, which is very odd advice to give to a group of people sitting quietly in rows facing forward. I realize, okay, you don't have much choice. And I also realize that without context, 'cause some of you already thinking this 'cause you're smart people, you're way ahead of me without context. This isn't necessarily always good advice, but we're mature. So let me couch this and because you know where I'm going with this.

we're honest, no one has to tell us or advise us to listen to what we want to hear, right? I mean, how many times, how many times do I have to tell you order dessert? You know this, that's never happened, right? Lease the car, buy the shoes, call him back, move in, blame her, blame him, don't call just text, don't apologize, it wasn't your fault, right? I mean, nobody really has to lean in and advise us, because when we hear things we already want to do, it's like absolutely. We don't have... That doesn't take listening skills because confirmation bias is strong in all of us, nobody has to say, listen to me when we're hearing something that we wanted to hear and, basically moves us in the direction we were already moving. And we don't lean into advice that feeds an appetite because nobody needs to advise us to follow an appetite.

We just do that naturally. But it's pausing, it's unfolding and crossing our arms and agreeing to listen to what we don't wanna hear. That's what we're talking about. That's the challenge. That's today's advice and that is maturity. When you are willing to listen to what you don't wanna hear, when you need to hear it, that's maturity. You know what that does for you? And this should, I mean, this should cause all of us to just embrace this immediately. This puts you ahead of the pack. This puts you ahead of everybody else. It keeps you outta trouble. It ensures that you're gonna write a story that you will be proud to tell to your children and your grandchildren. That's what this does for us. But the reason we have to talk about it is because it's not natural, right?

Natural is tell me what I want to hear. In fact, I gravitate to these people, don't you? I gravitate to this advice, it makes me feel smart, It makes me feel secure. It makes me feel, it just confirms my bias, right? So don't... If you're not gonna tell me what I wanna hear, then just don't tell me anything at all. Now, if you're not a religious person or a Christian person, that's fine, because this, what we're talking about so far. This is just for humanity. This is just for all of us. And this next thing I'm gonna say, this may be the big takeaway for you because where we go after this, you may decide, Nah, I'm not gonna do any of that.

But this next statement, and this is kind of clunky the way I wrote it, but this is so important and it connects to something we talked about last time. Refusing to listen, refusing to listen to What we don't wanna hear, that we need to hear is a gateway decision. Refusing to listen to what we don't wanna hear, that we need to hear is a gateway decision. Here's what I mean by a gateway decision. The worst thing you've done in your life, The thing that created the greatest regret of your life was not, not listening, but refusing to listen was a gateway to the thing that perhaps you wish you could go back and undo, un-live that season of life, that weekend, that marriage, that whatever it might be, that relationship, that financial decision, it wasn't refusing... Refusing to listen wasn't the worst thing you ever did.

But refusing to listen was the gateway to the decision you would give anything to go back and undo. But some of the worst things you've done, again, some of the worst things I've done, I would not have done if I had listened. Now I noticed nobody's writing any of this down, and that's fine. You don't need to. I mean, there may be some note takers. I'm a note taker.

You don't need to write this down. You know why you don't need to write it down. You already know this. We all already know this, that's why it's so crazy. And the reason we know that what I'm saying is true is because we've been on the other side of this. Every single one of us has watched a friend, a family member, a neighbor, somebody at work, somebody that we care about begin to or move in an unhealthy direction or begin to make a bad decision. Or we hear that they're about to make a bad decision. And we've thrown ourselves in front of them and said, Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, look. And you have tried your best to kind of head them off at the past and keep them from making that decision. And they refused to listen. And the strange thing was, the odd thing was you predicted their future.

You knew exactly what a disaster it was gonna be. I mean, When things didn't work out relationally or financially or that career decision or they decided to move to that other city when it didn't work out, you were not surprised. It was so clear to you that they were making a bad decision. Don't go there. Don't call 'em back. Don't call her back. Don't move there. Don't take that trip. Don't take that job. It's so obvious, but they just couldn't see it right? From the outside looking in. I mean, again, we've all, in fact, some of you, it was this week or maybe the last couple of weeks, maybe with one of your kids or maybe you're one of your adult kids, which is always so tenuous from the outside looking in, it's so clear. And that's the point of this message.

That's why we're talking about listen, because to the people outside of you and outside of me, some of the decisions we're making are about to make or the options we're considering. It is so clear to them. But it's never as clear to us. Because when we are in decision making mode, when we're looking at options, especially as it relates to relationships and money, relationships and money are not emotionally neutral topics. Did you know that? Yes, They are not emotionally neutral topics. And once our appetites get involved in the decision making process, it is almost game over because we're just hyper focus. There's all kinds of things that happen psychologically when there's something that we want and we can't see clearly in our own decision making process. We can't see clearly in our own lives. But usually there's somebody who can, and the wise man, the wise woman, regardless of their age or stage of life, is the one that is willing to uncross their arms and say, okay, I don't wanna hear this, but go ahead and tell it to me anyway. If you'll stop, if you pause, if you listen, you'll be glad you did.

If there is somebody, come on. If there is somebody, and you know in your heart of hearts, they have your best interest in mind, and there's something they're trying to communicate to you, just listen. Because they may see something you can't see. And while you're listening and while you got your arms uncrossed, and while you're trying to be open, here's what you gotta do in the meantime or while that's going on, you gotta pay attention to the tension because while they are saying things to you, you don't want to hear inside of you, inside of me, there's a tension.

And you need to pay attention to that tension and ask yourself this question, What's really going on? Why am I resisting so hard? Why am I so angry? Why does this stir me up? Why this is, I mean, this is a person that loves me. This is a person that cares about me. Here's somebody who's taken a relational risk to confront me or to tell me what I don't wanna hear. What is going on inside of me? What's really going on inside of me? Because oftentimes it's an us thing, it's not a them thing. So, listen, when, King David, he was the second king of Israel, Ancient Israel, When King David died, his son took the throne. his son's name was Solomon.

And when Solomon became the king, he was a whopping 20 years old prefrontal lobe development. And he is the king. Don't think too much about that, right? But fortunately for Solomon, he was smart enough to know and wise enough to know that he did not have what it took to be a king at 20, he was wise enough to recognize, and here's the key, and humble enough to admit he didn't know what he was doing, that he needed help. So his biographer actually documents a prayer that Solomon prayed and documents, what happened in response to that prayer. And there's so much packed in here, and this is such a great model of the posture that all of us should live with, regardless of how long we've lived here. Here's what his biographer said, that Solomon prayed. Here's his prayer.

Now, Lord, my God, you have made your servant king. First of all, this is a huge recognition. The people didn't make me king. You made me king. I'm king because you are the sovereign God who controls the destinies of all people. You have made your servant king in place of my father David but I'm only a kid. I'm only a child. I mean the humility and the recognition, it's remarkable. I'm only a little child and I don't know how to carry out my duties. I don't know how to be king. I mean, this is the perfect start. This is the right posture. In fact, this is the posture we should all maintain throughout our lives. I only know what I know, but I don't know everything I need to know. Then in verse nine, we're skipping.

Verse nine says this. So here's his prayer. So Lord, give your servant a discerning heart. You know what discerning heart is? Discerning is, here's all the information, here's everything going on, and I've gotta navigate all this. So at the end of the day, I've made the right decision and end up where I need to be. Give me a discerning heart that there's no real map. I've never lived in this season before. I've never navigated what I've navigated before. I've never raised a child before. I've never been married before. This is my first career. This is my second opportunity with this industry. This is a new city. This is a new school. Give me a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong for who is able to govern this great people of yours. And the result the text says that God gave Solomon wisdom and very great insight and a breadth of understanding as measureless as the sand on the seashore. Now, I just wanna make one comment about this is so important. We all know that water follows the path of least resistance. Wisdom does as well. Water follows the path of least resistance. Wisdom does as well. And the least resistance when it comes to wisdom is humility. The recognition that I don't know everything I need to know.

That I don't have it... Necessarily have it all together. That this is a new season for me. Humility equals receptivity. Pride always equals resistance. I don't need to hear that. I know that. Yeah, I've heard that before. Thank you. But you've never walked in my shoes. Thank you, but no, thank you. And the outcome of Solomon's decision, his prayer, and God's answering his prayer, is that his fame spread to all the surrounding nations. If you read his story, I mean, men and women, kings and queens travelled to sit at Solomon's feet and to sit and listen to his wisdom and ask him questions. Now I...

I grew up on this story, and one of the things that years and years and years ago that I thought was so fascinating, it's what got me interested in this topic. So fascinating and honestly, a little bit surprising, is that the man Solomon, the man who needed advice least of all, here's the guy, he doesn't need anybody's advice because he's the wisest man on the planet according to his biographer and the people that were around him. He's the wisest man in the kingdom. He doesn't need anybody telling him what to do, he doesn't need anybody's advice. But he wrote more about seeking advice and the consequences of resisting advice than any other ancient writer or philosopher, and more than any other author of any of our scripture. Because in his extraordinary wisdom, he understood the value of wise outside counsel.

Here's just a few statements that you find scattered throughout his proverbs. "Instruct the wise and they will be wiser still." In other words, nobody's ever old enough and wise enough to not need outside counsel or not need outside input. That the wise person, this is important, the wise person is always a learner. They're never the experts to the point where they don't need any more expertise or any more outside counsel. The wise person is always in learning mode. He says this, "A wise person, will hear and increase in learning, and a person of understanding... " This is so powerful, "Will acquire or will seek wise counsel."

A wise person seeks out or acquires input from the outside, they don't wait to be told and they don't have to be sold. They don't wait to be told, they don't have to be sold. They actually seek it out. They actually invite it in. Now, here's an observation as it relates to input from the outside, okay? This is a little bit harsh, but when we don't want it, that's when we need it. I'm going to put it in a different way. Do you know how to know... You know how you know when you need outside input? When you don't want it. And maybe that's you today.

Maybe you're wondering again, "Who told you?" This is just common to all of us, and at least I can just speak for me and my age, a season of life, so far it has not gone away. In fact, I don't even think it's any better. I have to resist and fight it every single time. Solomon continued, he says, this is harsh. The way of a fool, is right in his own eyes. And there's a person that says, Look, I got it all figured out, I don't need any counsel or advice, I don't need to read that. Don't give me another article. No, we can't sit down and talk about it. No, I'm not gonna do that. No, I'm not gonna meet with them. No, no, no, he says, okay, Solomon says, that person's a fool. What is a fool? Well, in the book of Proverbs, in the writing of Proverbs, and the teaching of Jesus, a fool is someone who attempts to live life as if life is not connected. That today doesn't impact tomorrow.

Well, let me read the rest of it. The way of a fool is right in his own eyes but a person who listens to advice is wise. Again, I think this is worth going back to, I think I mentioned when we don't want it, is when we need it. In fact, let me just ask you in a different way. What do you intend to do that you don't intend to share because you don't wanna hear? What are you intending to do that you don't intend to share, because you don't wanna hear? Because, and we've all been here.

Let me tell you what you're doing that you don't know you're doing. You are master-minding your own regret. And it means you're selfish and you don't wanna be selfish, you don't even like selfish people, you do not think you're a selfish person, but let me just say, if you are planning something that you're not willing to share because of what you don't wanna hear, You are selfish because when your regret shows up, when that season comes, when you reap what you've sown, it's not just going to impact you, it's gonna impact the people that depend on you, it's gonna impact the people who love you, it's gonna impact the people that when things aren't going well for you, they have a hard time sleeping at night because they love you. And to not factor that in and to not consider that it means you're selfish.

You are master-minding your own regret. Moving on, Plans fail. You've heard this one before, I bet. Plans, in fact you may not have known this was in the Old Testament. Plans fail for lack of counsel. But with many advisors, they succeed. Do you want your plans to succeed? Do you want your marriage to succeed? Do you want your relationship with your children to succeed? Your relationship with your grandchildren, you want this new job to work, you want this second marriage to be the one? You wanna get this right. Plans fail for lack of input, but they succeed with multitude of counselors. Here's another one. Listen to advice. Again, this is a hard one.

Listen to advice and accept discipline. Do you know what discipline mean in this context, it means correction, it means, hey, I'm gonna tell you what I'm thinking about doing. And I just want you to let me have it. Don't hold back. Well, I think that's a terrible idea. That's what I need to hear. I don't like it. It doesn't make me feel good, it makes me feel kind of stupid. But I wanna hear it. Correction, push back, feedback. But look at the promise,listen to advice and accept discipline. And at end, because see life is connected, one thing leads to another, you don't live in isolation relationally, and as time goes on, all the dots get connected. And in the end... At the end, you'll be counted among the wise.

And you know what this means, and this should appeal to your ego, it does to mine. In the end, you will appear smarter than you really are. Isn't that what we all want? And Solomon says, the way you get there isn't by being the smartest person in the room, or even being the wisest person in the room or being the most educated person in the room, you are the person that is most open to the council and the wisdom of others even when it's uncomfortable, and even when it hurts, and even when it shuts you down.

Leaders who refuse to listen are eventually surrounded by people who have nothing helpful to say. Leaders who won't listen push the smart, talented, mature people away. And what's true in your organization or in organizational life, is true in our personal lives as well. People who refuse to listen are eventually surrounded with people who have nothing helpful to say or those people decide, I'm not gonna say anything because I tried. Here's something you thought about people you know, Here's something you said perhaps about people, don't waste your time. Don't waste your time. She can't hear you. You can talk to him if you want, but he can't hear you, he won't hear you. I tried. They don't listen. You're wasting your time.

So to wrap up, I wanna give you four quick statements regarding what to listen to, how to listen and who to listen to, four statements. There's so much more to say on this. Obviously, there's volumes of things have been written on this topic, so this is... I'm not trying to be exhaustive obviously, but here are four things, and maybe I love these four things because they helped me. So number one, avoid the genetic fallacy. Which sounds strange. Here's what the genetic fallacy is. Some of you know, the genetic fallacy is discounting information based on the source of the information rather than the merit of the information.

It's discounting information or advice based on the source rather than the merit. Now, all of us struggle with this. You see somebody and she wants to give you advice and you're like... You look at her family, I mean, what is she gonna tell me how to raise my kids. Have you seen their kids, they're a mess, right? We do this. That's the genetic fallacy. In other words, anything she tells me, nothing she says to me could possibly be true or helpful? Look at her. Look at the source. That is a mistake. The truth is, and this is kind of extreme, but just so you'll remember it, bad people can give good advice. Bad people are capable of good advice. Don't buy the lie of cancel culture, you know this cancel culture basically lowers the IQ of the entire culture, that's what cancel culture does, or to say it more specifically if or personally if you suddenly forgot everything you've learned from an imperfect person, you would forget everything you know, including your name.

Number two, lets move on. Don't assume expertise in one area, it makes you an expert in every area. This is kind of a guy thing, I'll just be honest, okay? Because success is intoxicating. Success is intoxicating, you think you're better than you really are, and when you're extraordinary or pretty good or recognized in one area, you think you're just pretty good in every area, that is absolutely not the case. And sometimes people who are super successful professionally they struggle relationally, 'cause there's two different sets of tools, right? The more successful we are somewhere, the smarter we think we are everywhere. I was a kid once, I don't know how to raise one. Yeah, he had a surgery once too. Yeah, you go do surgery, well, that's different. Well, it's the same logic. Since I had one, I can do it. And No, no, no, That's crazy right.

Number three, moving on, don't confuse experience with insight. Don't confuse experience with insight, I mean, you've said it, you've heard it... I wasn't born yesterday. Well, we knew that… So? This is not my first rodeo. Well, that just means you're good at rodeos. I've been around the block a time or two. That just means you're dizzy, I don't know what that means, but that just... You know what this really means, It just means you're old. Not necessarily wise. This is very important, okay. Experience doesn't make you wiser. Evaluated experience makes you wiser. The person that doesn't do an autopsy on their failure and grow from it, they're not gonna get any better, they're just creating a rut. Doing the same thing over and over and over and that just creates a rut. That doesn't create wisdom. Evaluated experience makes us wiser, don't confuse experience with insight, don't confuse experience with insight, just because you've had a lot of experience, don't say, well, then I don't need to hear from anybody else. That's just absolutely not true.

Number four. Listen for I know, I know, I know, I know we talked about this last time. But we gotta come back to it. When you hear yourself saying, I know, I know what you're really saying, you need to understand the person on the other side of you, here's what they're hearing... Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. Go away, go away. I know, I know. That's why you feel when somebody says, I know I know. When you hear, listen, when you catch yourself thinking here, I know, I know, you need to un-cross those arms. That may be the moment that you

Knowing, as we said last week, knowing doesn't equal doing, one doesn't necessarily lead to the other, and knowing without doing is worse than not knowing because according to the book of Proverbs, according to Solomon, knowing and not doing makes you a fool. You're living as if life isn't connected. I know what I ought to, I know what the best thing is, I know the wise thing. But I'm just not going to do it. Solomon would say, you're a fool. Again, your master minding your own regret. So wrapping up. We've all said it. We've all thought it. I should have listened, UGGG I should have listened,I should have listened. Refusing to listen is a gateway decision. It leads to regret.

We've all thought or we've all said, I should have seen that coming. I should have seen that coming. I should have seen that coming, odds are somebody saw it coming, and they either failed to shut down, they weren't even gonna try, or they tried to tell you and you just wouldn't listen, or they would have told you they saw it coming, if you had or I had invited them into the decision-making process earlier. The bottom line is, for me and for you, somebody can see what you can't see, somebody can see what you can't see, and somebody who cares about you who can see what you can't see, why would we not listen? Why would we not just uncross our arms. Why would we not say, okay, I know this is gonna hurt. I know I may have heard this before, but you know what? Just bring it on.

So in the words of James, the brother of Jesus. He says, we should be quick to listen and slow to speak. And if that becomes the habit of our lives, if that becomes the posture of our lives, we will be glad we did, and the people we love the most, and the people who depend on us the most will be glad we did as well.